Catchy title, isn't it? I have a few dirty little secrets of my own, just like all the rest of you. My current and most shameful?
/whispers:
I like a Kelly Clarkson song Whew...I feel so much better now after admitting the ugly truth. Seriously though, I heard the song Dirty Little Secret today on the drive in and it made me think about how much goes unsaid in my life. I don't really have anyone to talk to. My best friend, H, of course but she has heard it all and seen it all in the last 11 years, and I worry about boring her. Since the ex (boyfriend) and I split and stopped talking, it feel like I am back inside that glass jar looking out again.
Like that Sylvia Plath motif in the last line? Mind you, I am not suicidal. Been there, done that, swallowed the ipecac when I figured out that guys are just not worth dying over. But the imagery is right. I have such a bizarre way of looking at the world, and God knows my brain works in it's own special way that most people find...Dizzying? I like that, seems to fit the looks on their faces when I bounce from A to B to K with little or no warning. Really though, in my mind I see those missing steps, and I am usually just assuming that they are too!
Now whether or not the ex-boyfriend (we'll just call him D) really always got it, it usually seemed to amuse him if nothing else. That and he had a killer instinct on when I was faking it. Now now...Perverts. I meant faking it OUT of bed not in it. Cause I am truly the master of wall building. I am pretty friendly with a ton of people but not friends with very many at all. He was a bitch though, because he always knew when I started doing that and he always called me on it. He forced me to be myself, which was great, but now I have no one to be myself with. Or to quote him, I was always bad, I just didn't have anyone to be bad with.
That was a hideous breakup. 4+ years of LDR followed by a brief stint living in the same timezone, which ended badly due to lack of a life on his part. The biggest problem being of course that I still love him to death. I am just practical enough to know that sometimes, love is just not enough.
And the freaking karma involved in that relationship! We split up, I go on a planned trip to Salt Lake City. By coincidence, he packs up and takes off while I am on that trip and drives his car to his brother to leave it with him to sell. Guess where the brother lives? Uh huh...SLC. Oh but that is not all, campers. In the months between our being together in SLC for my grandmothers funeral, his brother has moved. He now lives in the same neighborhood as my cousin. The same cousin whose house I am staying at. We break up and end up in another state separated by a mile or so. Hear the gods laughing? Gets better...Who do I see at the store by my cousin's house? Yup, that would be the ex. Talk about fate beating a dead horse.
Of course we tried to go back to the whole LDR thing, but that was doomed from the start, simply because he will not live a life. You know, the garden variety get a job, get a place not with your mamma, and stop living life via the WWW. Other than a tense email or two, followed by a New Years Eve closure email from him, we haven't spoken in over a year.
The email killed me of course. It took me 4 months to even answer it and I am still not sure if I should have. Actually I know I shouldn't have, since it seems to have awoken the gods of fatalistic humor. Let's picture the scene, shall we? Girl at work, furtively surfing the web goes to messageboard for show she likes. Girl reads posts. Girl laughs at one post in particular because somehow the tone and content reminds her of someone. Of course girl knew who it reminded her of and did what was natural. Hit full sized screen mode (it was tiny for stealth work time viewing!) to see who sarcastic poster is.
Can you guess?
I nearly went home. After I freaked out and cried in the bathroom stall, of course.
So now we come to my biggest dirty little secret. Every day I read his post. It's almost like talking to him. I'll never post, it wouldn't be fair. He enjoys it there and my presence would ruin it for him. And me of course, as he'd never post there again. And in spite of it all, he still can make me smile.
